Recently, I’ve experienced some turbulent situations in my life and have been struggling on and off with distressing, and dare I say, depressing thoughts.
I have multiple perceptions about the cause for my stress ranging from school, social expectations, future outlook, and more. More recently though, I’ve begun to develop a new perception which seems more aberrant in nature in comparison to the ones aforementioned.
I believe it formed out of an initiative to educate myself and maintain a consumption of information in a variety of topics including the state of our government, the great political debates, and world issues. The more I’ve come to learn about the state of our country and even world, the more distressed and unmotivated I’ve become.
One could describe this recent perception as a manifestation of nihilistic belief fueled by the hierarchy of issues that we face as humans. Individually, we fight to represent our opinion in the world and propose solutions to ad hoc issues. However, looking at the bigger picture you consider these issues and identify the relationships between them. Soon it no longer seems like these proposed solutions or ideologies are as effective as they are perceived to be and it is just a cyclical system of problems that repeats its degenerative processes constantly regardless of which part you look to improve.
Now it seems like the possibility of a dystopian future is no longer so far fetched and could very well be a probable outcome. I feel as though humans will always be the precursor that leads to destruction; wherever we reside, a level of entropy is maintained.
I want to feel as though these are not things that I should be thinking about, especially at such a young age but it seems as though the things we do in life that are not uncommon like starting a family, finding a job, establishing financial security, developing your social life, and such are no longer worth it because in the end all that awaits you is death. You may have lived a fulfilling life believing that you sated your civil obligation as human being and left behind a meaningful legacy but in reality we all forget.
At some point down the line, your relevancy no longer holds the power it once did and is for naught. What we do now, the life we are expected to live, or at least the trend that has formed through our lifetime as a race does not seem to matter because there is no greater purpose. We are our biggest debilitating factor.
I had always wondered what spurred my want to use mind altering substances, I had believed it to be a result of an introverted lifestyle, however now it appears to me as though I do not want to live in this reality. This is not a testament of suicide, no, but an epiphany I think. I don’t remember, or at least I choose not to pay attention to these thoughts in my mind because I almost always forget the reasons that I formulate for my “depression”.
Forgive me for the scatter brained thoughts, my head is all over the place and the gravity of these thoughts weigh on my heart.